pascale wowak photoblog

Our little cottage home - 18 months later

I had major reconstructive ankle surgery two weeks ago.  I've been in a bit of haze since then, trying to manage the pain with limited pain meds since I'm the only adult in the house and the kids need a fully functional adult, albeit a hobbling on crutches one.

 I've been blessed with a veritable village of friends offering their help and support, from meals to rides for my kids (since I'm not allowed to be upright for more than a few minutes at a time nor am I able to drive yet) and walks for my needy dog.    My friends swooped in and helped me care for my kids and my dog and just really made ALL the difference in the world in what could have been a pretty ugly logistical scenario of a single mom trying to juggle two kids and a huge dog all on her own while not allowed to leave the confines of her bed for two weeks.  I even had the nicest client send me a gift certificate to a local restaurant around the corner from my cottage that the kids and I love.  How sweet is that!?  I have throughout all of this never felt more blessed or loved.

  I am now slightly more functional, able to stand for about 10 minutes at a time on my good leg - without my operated foot turning purple... and adjusting, slowly, to the pain.  Thanks to the outpouring of support from my friends, family (my mom drove down last weekend to cook and clean for me)!, clients and lovely weekend visits from my super helpful boyfriend, I have been able to keep the sadness and anxiety surrounding this surgery and long recovery at bay. I've been filled with so much gratitude and appreciation for all the wonderful help.  I deeply appreciate and value it and recognize how lucky and fortunate I am to have had all this help.  Friends and neighbors have stopped by nearly every day to offer a hand in a variety of capacities. My adorable neighbor who is a nurse even helped me take my first post surgery shower, now THAT is taking your riendship to a whole new level!!!   I know how HUGE a blessing this all is.   But, truth be told, I hate needing help.  I hate even asking for it.   I'm too self sufficient a gal to ever feel comfortable on the receiving end of all that love.  Inevitably, I hit a wall this morning after too many sleepless nights (the knee to toe brace I am in makes it impossible to sleep, it is cumbersome and hurts in a bad, bad way) and because I am self employed, I am not able to collect disability or unemployment during this long recovery time and my work is such that I simply cannot physically do it while on crutches.

 So, this morning, I got weepy and anxious and worried and sad and frustrated and agitated.  I'm a very active, constantly on the go person.  I wake up at the crack of dawn and go to sleep well past midnight.   I normally walk my dog twice a day, work my tail off all day long, in between volunteering at my kids school, doing my shoots and my editing, running my business, running errands, and doing the never ending list of things that single working moms must do every single day.  To go from that go-go-go pace to being unable to leave my couch for more than 10 mn at a time and dealing with chronic pain has done a number on me.   I'm not in my element right now.  I'm an outdoorsy gal.  I need my fresh air and pretty scenery.  I need nature.  I  haven't left my house in two weeks.  I think I might be going insane.  And today is the first day that I've even been able to sit at my computer.

   The day before my surgery I deep cleaned my little cottage from top to bottom, culminating a week of stock piling groceries, doing shoots nearly every day, setting up everything for the kids, editing all night and prepping for the big surgery day.  I try to keep my house pretty darn spotless in general, as best I can, but having it THAT clean was just so nice and I remember looking around and really SEEING my place with a new set of eyes.  And I decided to take pictures of it.  To mark the transformation over the past 18 months since we moved in.  We have created so much art for the walls and so many projects and I've found so many beloved "treasures" at garage sales, craig's list and Ebay just from scouring and looking and seeking.  During this time, we've really transformed our little rental cottage into a HOME.  It's unfortunate that my landlord decided to raise the rent and in doing so, sent me into a bit of a panic on how to absorb this increase considering my circumstances and for a fleeting moment I thought we might have to move.  But when I looked around that day before my surgery and saw with total clarity how much we love this tiny little place I realized we needed to stay here and I need to figure it out.  I need to make it happen.  It's really a teeny tiny home, just under 1,000 sq feet.  The images I took that day after my deep cleaning, were taken with my wide angle 16mm lens and therefore make the place look MUCH bigger than it actually is.  But it's home.  We love it.  We want to stay here.

  I feel like this place so authentically captures and represents my style and how the kids and I live our lives, full of art and music and craft projects, in between battles over homework and my screaming at them to get along while I desperately try to finish editing a session before dinner so I can move on to the next one after dinner.  It's not all rainbows and butterflies.  It really is compromise.  I dedicate time for my job and time for my kids.  I juggle two parental roles and duties along with running and operating and sustaining my own business.  We make it work.  We've figured out the concept of teamwork like never before.  I've developed a SYSTEM to keep things running smoothly.  I also don't ever stop moving from 7am to 2am.   Except for now.  And as much as I thought I would LOVE this break from the chaos of my normal day to day routine, I'm actually going crazy because I still need to DO stuff but it takes me ten times longer to do it.   But every day I heal a little bit and every day I progress towards being fully functional again. And as long as I stay focused on that goal, that light at the end of the tunnel, then I should be back on track in no time.  In the meantime, I thought I would share our little cottage with you.  Everything about it is near and dear to my heart.  It's our little sanctuary.  I hope you enjoy the visit. :)

This is the view as you enter the house from our front door.  This is pretty much all our living space, living room and hallway all in one. At the end there is our kitchen and my bedroom and the kids shared bedroom are off to the right.  Their room is actually the size of a walk in closet and not technically a room, more of an office, but we are calling it a room.  It just BARELY fits their bunkbeds so that makes it a room! HA!

Little Etsy finds like this (above) adorn the house.

The yellow dresser was a Craig's list find.  The collection of vintage typewriters are all garage sale or antique fair finds.  I LOVE that dresser.  So much.  It is used to house all my newborn shoot stuff.   I used to have a separate studio for all my work/studio related items and now I've incorporated them all into my decor, you will see little chairs all around the place which are props for my work!

I wrote that quote on a plain white canvas using an oil pastel.  Took me less than 2 minutes for this "artwork" and cost me close to nothing as I got the canvas during a 50% off sale!  Easy peasy!  And my kids, well, I'm not short of pictures of them....

Ellie has this little thing she does called "pop up art" and she works on it after school and then leaves pop up art masterpieces for me all over the house.   I love that about her.  This was a favorite.

I have a huge, long standing collection of old vintage (mostly non working) cameras which are all over the cottage.   

I found this old trunk on Craig's list for $20 which I bargained down to $15.  It currently houses all my sewing and knitting  materials... except that Gavin closed it and pushed in the lock and it still worked and now I have no way to access any of that stuff!  Note to self: get a locksmith to come out to gain access sometime in the next year!

My bedroom/office. Notice the wonderful plush dog bed at the foot of the bed.  Notice the dog sleeping ON my bed.  Yeah.

There's a great story behind this piano.  I found it the week we moved in.  A little old lady was selling it because she needed to move.  She was going to sell it for practically nothing but was taking "interviews" to find the right home for it.  After being interviewed by her, she decided we were the the right home for her beloved 1905 upright piano. :)

The world map has little red map pins on it of all the places I've visited in the world (prior to having kids of course) and the kids love to go over, pick a country with a pin, and ask me about my adventures there.  The little owl is a gift from my friend Joy who designs them along with ridiculously cute knit owl hats. We've got three of her owls hidden around the house and the kids like to have their friends try and find them.  Ellie and I have done shoots for her before, search Freckletree on my blog for those posts!

I very quickly ran out of wall space...  850 sq ft is just not enough wall space for someone like me who likes to DROWN my walls with artwork and imagery.  So, I decided to create this "art wall" of sorts on the side of my bookcase showcasing some 3X4 prints of my favorite shots of Ellie being my model for my commercial shoots since she was 2 years old.  We call it the Ellie Wall Of Fame. :)

I got the elephant print off a site called Society6 which helps promote artwork from artists all over the world.  It's a great place to find affordable art and support independent artists.  I loved the idea/concept of the three elephants being carried away by hot air balloons.  The kids decided we were each an elephant and assigned one to each of us.  I, naturally, was the biggest elephant...

Lots of arts and crafts projects.  Images from a trade shoot with a dear photographer friend.  These images were SO important to me.  It was the first time the kids (and Kooper) and I were photographed as our new family unit.  I hold these near and dear to my heart.  A scrabble art project where I put down all our names and find ways of connecting words that describe us as a family.  It was a ton of fun trying to get that thing together!

Why yes, those are all my kids photo albums down below on that bookshelf... but only for ages 0-4 years old.... the rest of all their images are in boxes and boxes and boxes... I stopped having time to make elaborate albums when they were 4 and 6.  But I kept printing all the the images I was taking of them until they were 6 and 8 and then everything has remained on my hard drive since then.  So frustrating!  I used to be SO good about assembling these fantastic albums for them, by hand.... yeah,,,,, not gonna happen again til they move out for college... at which point I'll just pick up from where I left off! HA! 

That top B&W image is one of Ellie that I took and the bottom B&W image is one of me that my mom took at almost the same age.  Love having those two so close together.

The shell wreath you see below is one I made with my best friend Sophie when she was up visiting from San Diego 6 months after we moved in.  The shells are all shells that the kids and I collected during those first 6 months during our daily walks on the beach getting to know our new stomping grounds. :)

 

Why yes, we have a urinal and YES, Ellie and I are very grateful for it.  It is Gavin's to use and clean.  So nice keeping that separate! LOL!

The kids shared room is TINY.  And I recognize that we can't pull this off much longer with Gavin turning 11 this summer.  But it's all I can swing right now and I've done my best to make the most of the little space and give them a sense of privacy and their OWN areas in the little room.  Kept it bright and primary colors so it's not boyish or girlish.  I used my grandfathers framed fish watercolor painting (above bed) as the inspiration for the colors in the room.  He made that painting for me when I was a little girl and dedicated to me with my name on it.  I hold it near and dear to my heart and wanted it to be the center piece of the room from which everything else was based off of.  I found all the rest of the furniture at garage sales or craig's list finds.

The kitchen is by far my favorite room in the house. It's bright and airy and feels huge and has good counter space for cooking and awesome blue tiles that I adore.

Ellie and Gavin's artwork adorn the fridge and the house.

This "memory wall" was once just the side of the pantry but it was wasted space!  So, I bought adhesive corkboard and applied it to the wall and we now pin all our ticket stubs from events or movies or museum outings onto the memory wall.  It's a great way to remember all the fun things we do, even if we don't get to do them that often, we appreciate them for a good long while when we do!

My friend gave me this cabinet and I painted it blue to match the colors of the kitchen and add some COLOR as I have a strong tendency to do that....

That art easel used to belong to my grandfather who was a pretty well known artist and architect in France.  My mom gave it to me last year and it holds center stage in our kitchen.  I just love it and Ellie uses it practically every day to write new messages or draw new images.

Yup, that's my "famous" dog on the cover of our local tourism guide!  Isn't he adorable!? :)

That garden has also seen a MASSIVE transformation.  I'm going to do a whole separate blog post just on my garden.  When I moved in it was two slabs of concrete and nothing but bark.  Not a single plant.  I planted everything back there and put in two separate veggie garden areas. And everything goes CRAZY out here, something about the coastal weather.  Plants and veggies THRIVE!!!

Great story behind this kitchen set.  I found the 1950's original formica table at a thift shop and two days later found the chairs, which match PERFECTLY, on Craig's list.  This nook is so tiny that it was super hard to find anything that fit right but VOILA!  Two surrendipitous finds that work beautifully in the space provided!!!

My grandfather's art on the left and my art on the right, printed on wood via WOODSNAP.  Highly recommend, they offer a fabulous service and do a great job with your images!

And one last "backwards" view as you are heading out of the cottage from the kitchen.  We love love love love our little cottage and I am determined to find out how we can stay here as long as possible.  Thanks for looking.  Hope you enjoyed the tour! :)

Have a great day!  Now, go out and get some sunshine and stretch your legs for me, ok!? :)

Elisa, Peter, Kenzi and Bodi

Many of you will recognize this adorable family as I have the opportunity to photograph them several times a year.  I adore them.  Kenzi is one of the most expressive children I have ever met.  Every shoot ends up being: The Many Faces Of Kenzi.   So stinking cute.   This was my second to last shoot before my big reconstructive ankle surgery bright and early tomorrow morning.  I had a mini headshot shoot tonight which I will be editing right up to the wire before going in to be sliced and diced!  As I was doing this shoot chasing Kenzi and Bodi around and being able to play with them and keep up with all the twirling and dancing and bubble popping I found myself very grateful for my mobility and I can't wait to be off the dang crutches and back in form to do what I do.  It's an active job and that's one of the things I love most about it.   I've had people ask me if I use a tripod when I photograph and it is so utterly beyond my imagination to ever be able to be that stagnant while I shoot.  I love moving and switching gears and changing angles and rolling with the punches.  Kids are active little beings.  Kenzi and Bodi are the perfect example of this and being able to keep up with them and their moods and their moments is the most fun aspect of what I do.  Well, that and capturing those magical snippets that make their parents happy!  Kenzi is SO sweet with her little brother, doting on him, hugging him, kissing him.  Just so tender.  And I really wanted to capture that because it's ridiculously sweet AND because she's insanely cute when she puckers her lips to kiss him.  You'll see what I'm talking about when you scroll down.   I just love this family.  Elisa & Peter, thanks for the fun, once again! Can't wait to see you guys after my recovery!  I hope to be fully operational to keep up with everyone at the beach next time!  xoxoxoxoxox

Brendan & Claire

This is my second time photographing this adorable family and I just love them so much!    I'm super excited that I get to see them again later this year!  By then, Claire will likely be walking and it will be a whole new scenario!  I particularly love the dynamic between Brendan and his baby sister.  Clearly, I am partial to the big brother/little sister pairing, for obvious reasons...  And I maintain my belief that that particular pairing results in the sweetest, most accomodating, gentle-spirited older brothers and incredibly feisty, diva-ish, bossy little sisters.  My theory holds true nearly 90% of the time!  Claire is still too young to see if that particular dynamic is at play here but I can absolutely attest to Brendan being super sweet, gentle, protective and tender with his baby sister.  When we had her on a tree stump and mom was not, in his opinon, holding onto her quite sturdily enough, he was very clear to point out his distress over that fact and demand that *someone* hold her and wouldn't let go of her until someone did.  He's ridiculously sweet with her.  The whole family is just all kinds of awesome sauce.  How many clients can you joke around with that their kid has hoarding tendencies!?  LOL!  Brendan was definitely in hoarder mode during our shoot and had us in stitches!  They also brought me the MOST DELICIOUS all natural homemade macaroons from their family's store in Fremont called Sweet Orchid Patisseries.  And I will fully admit to being a macaroon SNOB.  Most macaroons here just pale in comparison to the ones I've had in France but these were the REAL DEAL!  So yummy.  My kids and I gobbled them up.  They also have gelato there too!  I think the kids and I will just have to swing by there on our way to visit my mom in the East Bay very soon!!!

Janice and Jonathon, thank you so much for spending your Sunday afternoon hanging out with me!  I had a blast and can't wait for our next shoot!  There are some real sibling gem shots in this batch, I was loving them as I was editing your shoot!  Your two kiddos are utterly fantastic! Love you guys! :) 

 

Gracie

I love meeting new families.  I especially love meeting new families with whom I totally click from the second we meet.  That was the scenario with this family.  I met Kelly first so we could go visit all the venues and go over all the details of their AMAZING two day wedding renewal ceremony I will be shooting in October.  Kelly and I spent most of the day together and we chatted like old friends jabbering a million miles a minute.  I was worried that I was maybe talking too much and just as I was about to reign it in, Kelly apologized for being so chatty! PHEW.  Her vision for the event is SO up my alley and SO inspiring that I just cannot wait for it to be October!  When Kelly and I were all done we went back to their home and I got to meet 6 year old Gracie who was an absolute kick in the pants.  This child is bright.  And unwavering in her visions for things.  And SUPER artistic.  And very expressive.  I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with her as it reminded me of hanging out with my daughter.  Those precocious, creative and whip smart girls are a hoot and you've got to turn it on 100% to keep up with them and I just love that.  Gracie gave me a tour of her beautiful home and I had fun photographing her as she went about giving me the grand tour but once we landed in the "art room" she was in her happy place and that's where we settled in for the remainder of the shoot.  We were both in our element. :)

Gracie was all dressed up for our shoot because she was going to a daddy-daughter dinner date school function right after our shoot.  I grabbed a couple shots of her and her dad right before they left.   As you can see, Gracie is about as photogenic as they get.  And even though Kelly assures me that she is completely camera-averse, I suspect she has NO idea how much my camera is going to love her and that gorgeous smile of hers, which is the same one Gracie also has.  I can't wait for October! :)

Kelly & Wes, it was a pleasure meeting you and Gracie and going over all the plans for the big celebration.  I hope you enjoy this little sneak peek of your girl.  She's an absolute GEM! 

Andy, Judi, Mizu & Kai in Sunny Seattle! (for reals)

Last week I was up in Seattle for this wonderful shoot with an old friend with whom I've recently reconnected.   Our story is a really sweet one.  When I was in High School, our class did an exchange program with a High School in Hawaii for a week.  It was a really big deal and we were so excited!  I was placed with a very sweet family and had an incredible week.  During that week I met Judi who was in the class and participated in our outings and events even though she wasn't my host family.  We instantly hit it off.  You know how some people just CLICK?  We clicked.  We remained pen pals for several years after that.  Yes, this was before the age of email and texting for high schoolers....  We WROTE ACTUAL LETTERS...GASP!  :)

Over the years we lost touch but I thought of her often.  Then through the miracle of Facebook we reconnected last year.  I learned that she was an architect in Los Angeles and about to be married to her sweetheart Andy.  When I was up in Seattle last month to support my friend Jayme's fashion show, Judi drove out to give me a big hug! She looked EXACTLY the same as in high school and hadn't aged a DAY.  If I didn't like her so much, I might actually resent that a little... hahahaha!

Over the next couple weeks she arranged for me to come back up and photograph her family, which includes her almost 1 year old Kai and 7 year old stepson Mizu (whom she has raised since he was 2).  It was such a treat to watch her as a mother and think back to how the last time we truly spent any in person time was well over 20 years ago as high schoolers...  Pretty amazing!

We were blessed with uncharacteristically GORGEOUS sunny warm weather and I was able to give Judi that luscious golden backlighting that she so fervently desired! YAY!  We started the shoot at their utterly fantastic modern home and finished off at GreenLake park.  Mizu and Kai were BEYOND adorable and it was just a really lovely shoot.   The whole family is beyond gorgeous and could totally be professional models, each and every one of them.   I had a great time and was thrilled to be able to come up and do this.  

When I was editing the pictures Ellie came in and observed for a while, as she tends to enjoy doing, and then she asked me if Judi and I were related because we had the same hair and big smiles.  I thought that was just really cute.  

Andy and Judi, thank you for the amazing hospitality and opportunity to take these images for you.  I hope you love your sneak peek!  Much love to you all!  xoxox

 

 

Marci & Nathan

This shoot was SO very, very special to me.  Marci used to be my kids' preschool teacher.  Let that sink in for a moment.  My kids who are now 8 and 10 years old.   After her stint as their preschool teacher was over, she become their occasional sitter and continued being a presence in our/their lives over the years.  She is still a teacher and a marvelous one at that.   Marci is just about the sweetest, kindest, nicest, warmest, most genuine person you will ever meet.  I could rave about her for hours on end.  She's just that degree of amazing.   When she asked me a while back to photograph her wedding, I was honored and thrilled.  I actually refer out most weddings but hers was one I was delighted to accept.  I am giddy with excitement over it.   And I was exceptionally happy to finally meet Nathan.  Why finally?  Because they've been together for NINE years.  I know, practically a lifetime considering how young they both are.  I had high expectations for this guy, my motherly protective instinct wanting to make sure he was worthy of such an incredible woman.  He most certainly did not disappoint.  From the second we met, his warm smile, authentic manner and inability to keep his quite obvious affection and unabiding love for Marci under wraps completely won me over.  These two have something rare, magical and special.  They have the ease, trust and comfort that a couple gains from spending nearly a decade together along with the passion, fire and adoration that you usually only witness in the early stages of relationships (or those rare couples who can maintain that over the years).  It's an intoxicating combo and was so utterly fantastic to watch as they so effortlessly communicated (verbally and nonverbally) and showed me without a shadow of a doubt how perfectly well matched they are.   So, besides their amazing connection and chemistry, there was also the small detail that they are both ridiculously good looking.... I mean, he has dimples and she has freckles and they both look like models.  REALLY.  That is just too much for my camera.  It was letting out small puffs of smoke throughout the shoot.  Hot stuff-overload-syndrome.  Poor camera. :)

All this to say that I couldn't be happier for them, couldn't possibly love them more and simply cannot wait for their big day in August.  It's going to be as spectacular and magical as their love for each other.  I am honored to be able to capture the emotions of the day for them.  Much love to you both, Marci & Nathan.  Thanks for a super duper awesome shoot!  :)

Jace

The way these clients came into my life, or me into theirs depending on your perspective, is quite serendipitous.  Our dogs met first. :)

I was walking Kooper around my neighborhood, which I happen to do twice a day because:

a) He is high needs and spoiled rotten.

b) I love where I live and love walking around my 'hood.

c) We both love our walks together.

d) It breaks up long editing sessions with some fresh air and sunshine and makes me happy.

During one of those walks Kooper very happily approached a SUPER sweet dog named Odi who is just the most adorable, gentle spirited and fantastic dog.  Kooper and Odi were enjoying getting to know each other more than just a passing sniff so I started talking to Odi's owner, Delphina, and noticed that she was expecting.  We started talking and I enjoyed her company as much as Kooper enjoyed Odi's!  Over the next few weeks we ran into each other in our neighborhood a couple more times.  At some point I think the subject of me being a photographer came up and I gave Delphina my website address.

Turns out Delphina and her partner Jen liked what they saw on my website and when baby Jace was born they gave me a call.  I was completely booked up at the time but I cleared a day off for them because I really liked Delphina and wanted to meet this little guy.  I'm so glad I did.  We had a wonderful and slightly eventful shoot and I know I was meant to be the one doing this shoot for them.

Jace wins the award for BEST NEWBORN HAIR AND DIMPLES EVER.  And I've been doing this a LONG time.  So, that's saying something.  He was just the cutest, most alert, aware, awesome little dude on the planet.  I fell in love with Jace right off the bat and absolutely adored both his mommies as well.  They are a wonderful trio.   

The whole time I was editing these images I kept thinking the same thing over and over again, like the chorus in a song: "Ain't love grand?!"   You just gotta love LOVE, you know?  It's a beautiful thing.

Delphina & Jen,  CONGRATS on your sweet boy's arrival into the world.  I can't wait to watch him grow up in your loving care and tender embrace.  ENOY the ride!  :)

Love Letters

Just before Valentine's Day, my dear friend Kathy Besser (author of the lovely parenting book Dirt & Sunshine) posted a link on her Facebook about a mom who was going to write love letters to her kids for Valentine's.  I adored the idea and sat down that night to compose my own little love letters to my kids.  I ended up writing them each a love letter that was several pages long.  I penned at length about every little thing I just love about them, from how Gavin gets completely lost in his books for hours on end and is always looking out for the underdog to how Ellie is constantly singing or humming throughout the day and how gifted an artist she is.  I spoke of every little quirk, habit, strength, skill, trait and/or gift that they possessed which I had quietly observed and noted over the years.  It all came rushing into my head and my heart as I wrote and I wrote and then I wrote some more.

The kids love letters were unceremoniously waiting for them at the breakfast table the next morning, with little fanfare as I made no mention of them and went about my business in what is usually the most chaotic and hectic time of the day.  Yet, despite the lack of focus on the letters, their eyes lit up as they sat, quietly and in complete stillness, without bickering... for ONCE, and each read their respective letters.  Without having to say a word, I could immediately tell the impact those letters were having on them.  My goal of letting them know how special they were to me, and to the world at large, as individual beings with their own special and unique talents and traits, was accomplished.   I felt good about helping THEM feel good about themselves.  I could tell they appreciated knowing that I really KNEW them.  That I SAW them for who they really are, underneath the layers of annoying bickering and hormonal back talk that we've been dealing with lately.  That I recognized in them everything that makes them who they are.  I could tangibly see the effects my written words were having on them.  And it helped me feel minutely better about the fact that the night before we had had a really rough night where my spoken words were not quite so kind or sweet or gentle or supportive.  

I worry endlessly that I am doing this ALL WRONG.  Being a mom, in an of itself, is hard.  Being a working mom adds another level of complexity to the task.  Being a single working mom is a whole other level of functioning.  Or NOT functioning, depending on the moment.   Not a day goes by that I don't lose my temper from the exhaustion of trying to juggle three million things and attend to everyone's different needs and keep the fridge stocked, the laundry laundered, the house clean, the meals made, the dishes done, the work accomplished, the clients happy, the dog walked, the kids ALIVE.... Yeah.  Alive.  That's the most I seem to be able to strive for some days.  I just need to keep them alive.  It's my mantra.  And, so far, I've (thankfully!) managed to do that.  But not without tremendous guilt about how I'm not doing quite nearly as good a job of raising them as I had hoped for when I brought them into this world.  I had big dreams and aspirations when I had these kiddos 8 and 10 years ago.  We were going to do huge all consuming art projects every day (we do lots of art but it's not to the degree I intended), bake cookies just because (I can't even get my act together to bake cookies for school bake sales these days), play family games every night (if I can manage once a week I'm thrilled), NEVER let them watch TV or play electronics (Bwahahahahahahahahha), and never, ever, ever yell at them.  Sigh.  Not a day goes by that I don't end up yelling, or talking through very very very gritted teeth and a slightly homicidal look on my face.  

I know part of the incessant sibling bickering is the fact that they share a tiny room in a tiny house.  And part of it is because of huge life transitions they've had to face the past year and a half.  And part of it is just LIFE and that's what siblings do.  But, admittedly, it drives me completely batty and brings out the worst in me.  I don't manage it nearly as well as I should.  And I get frustrated that everything I am doing, how hard I am working, the sacrifices I am making, the constant efforts I am putting forth to do the best job possible of raising my kids is just all in vain when the result of all that hard work is two kids who bicker and fight and give me attitude.   It makes me question if they are even NOTICING everything I am working so hard for and doing FOR THEM.  Everything I am nearly killing myself to manage, FOR THEM.  I know they are just little kids and my expectations for how much they can actually understand and appreciate are not unreasonable.  I just wish for, perhaps, a smidge of gratitude for the multitude of sacrifies I make on a daily basis.  And when that doesn't happen and I get incessant whining and complaining and woe-is-me, it pretty much triggers some BIG personal buttons, to say the least.

But none of that was in my head when I was writing them their love letters.  I just spoke from my heart and let the sentences unravel in the most organic and raw way possible.  I let it all flow from a place of deep love and appreciation for my kids.  For everything that makes them unique.  I knew they'd benefit greatly from this little project.  What I didn't know is that I would too.  Because last night, when I picked the kids up from their dad's house after spending a few days with him, Ellie handed me a love note she had written to me while she was there.  A cut out heart with a message and drawing on the front.  A drawing that makes my heart melt EVERY time I look at it.  And words that make it perfectly clear that YES, they notice.  YES, they see me in the same way that I see them.  That they are also keen observers and although they may not always be capable of showing appreciation or gratitude, they have it inside of them.  And her written words in response to my written words were magical and meaningful in ways I cannot even adequately express yet.  I'm still absorbing them.  Letting them roll around in my head and make their way through my heart.  

So, all this to say, mamas out there wondering if your kids "get it", questioning if they even NOTICE all that you do for them.... proof.  They do.  

If you can't read her love note, here it is transcribed:

"YOU ARE THE BEST MOM!   Mom, I love you. for everything. I love the way we dance and sing together. I love the way that you have a good spirit, and how you make everything hapen (sic) for us.  I love the way that you fill are (sic) house full of art.  And you how really care for me.  I (heart) you.  Thank you for everything. I couldn't do it without you."

Never underestimate the power of the written word. And a little art. :)