I have had a certain topic come up quite frequently with some of my girlfriends over the past week so I thought I'd write a little post here to address it. I think it may offer some comfort to anyone who is currently struggling with these feelings and emotions.
I'll start by going back in time and give some background as to how I got to where I am now in this whole motherhood journey of mine. When I had my son, I left behind a career that had been more than just a job for me. It was my whole identity. It had been my passion for well over a decade. It was what I felt I had been put on this planet to do. I was very, very good at it. It came naturally, it was fun, it was exciting and incredibly rewarding and fulfilling. I looked forward to going to work every single day. It suited my independent and thrill-seeking nature perfectly. It met my need for adrenaline rushes and constant change. It fulfilled my strong desire to have a solid sense of purpose in my life. It basically met all the needs and requirements I had established for a potential career/lifestyle and provided me with all the personal satisfaction I could ever wish for.
When my son was born, I left that all behind. Willingly. And because I was so wrapped up (try swallowed up...) in being a new mom and everything that comes with motherhood, I didn't have much time to really think about how much I missed it. I had been doing it long enough (working 12 to 14 hr shifts on graveyards for years on end) that the change of pace and the sudden downtime at home with my baby were actually very welcome and appreciated. Gavin and I spent hours cuddling, nursing, napping, bonding etc... Life was good. Gavin was my life and I was totally OK with that. Next thing I knew I was pregnant with Ellie and before you could blink an eye, I was home from the birthing center, with a 2 yr old and a newborn. A newborn who spent the first 9 months of her life screaming endlessly and never sleeping more than 20 mn stretches at a time and a toddler in the throes of the terrible two's. And, suddenly, my little slice of heaven quickly dissipated. Something inside me shifted. My life wasn't all happy, happy, joy, joy anymore. The drudgery of the same old routine day in and day out finally caught up with me. The massive sleep exhaustion from never getting more than 20 mn stretches of sleep at any given time took its toll. The challenge of having a baby who cried pretty much nonstop and was inconsolable no matter what I did wrecked havoc on my psyche.
Gavin had been a fairly easy baby (once he got past the colic) and whenever he was upset I could just sit down and nurse him. It was my secret weapon and I used it quite frequently as I had the luxury of all the time in the world to do so. Ellie did not care for nursing, in fact, it just seemed to make her even more upset. And I had a 2 year old who also needed me, was in diapers and had limited vocabulary... I know many, many mothers out there , then and now, have been through this. There is nothing remarkable about those circumstances in and of themselves. But Ellie's nonstop screeching was torturous. Fed up with the lack of answers from conventional medicine I took her to a homeopathic doctor and at 9 months old we finally learned that she had serious food allergies, resulting in a miserable little baby who was in pain nearly 24/7, ergo the inability to sleep or eat or gain weight or smile. After that discovery, she was, quite literally overnight, a completely different baby.
But before reaching that point, I had fallen to a really bad place. In fact, I have only one recollection from the first 6 months of her life and that is one of feeling completely depleted and empty inside. Emotionally and physically drained. I don't remember taking any pictures at all those first few months. With no family close by and a husband gone for long stretches at a time and a baby who didn't sleep, I was running on empty. My fairy-tale existence of lounging at home with my happy baby boy and peacefully enjoying every delightful day at home came to a screeching halt. The personal satisfaction I had gotten from seeing Gavin's smiling face was no longer enough to sustain me. I was on the brink.
Before becoming a mom, I had very lofty goals of everything I would accomplish in my lifetime. I have always been very driven and motivated to succeed. I am not a procrastinator and admittedly am quite type A when it comes to things I am serious about. I always want to be the best I can possibly be at anything I set out to do. I push myself hard and then even harder. I have always felt the pull towards having a purposeful life, one that has meaning to it and that gives me personal satisfaction. I like feeling that I have accomplished something worthwhile in my time on this earth and done everything in my power to contribute to the "greater good." My former career provided that for me in spades. The early stages of motherhood with Gavin did as well. But, suddenly, I found myself at home all day/all night long with two little ones and no longer feeling any sense of accomplishment whatsoever. Those lofty goals had pretty much gone the way of the dinosaur. To say my goals were scaled back would be an understatement. My new goal for the day was to maybe, just maybe, if I could pull it off, get a shower in. I begrudgingly attended to the nitty gritty of daily life with two bitty ones underfoot. Feeding, cleaning, changing, cooking, packing, cleaning, playing, feeding, cleaning, wiping, folding, cleaning, changing, etc... over and over and over again. And everything started to become almost robotic. Mechanical. Groundhog day-ish.
I found myself becoming disengaged with the process. I found myself daydreaming about my former career, the one where every day was different and exciting. The one that provided me with my daily dose of adrenaline and endorphins. The one where I could clock off at the end of the day with a very secure and strong sense of accomplishment. I could say to myself: "today I risked my life for a greater purpose" or even on a less busy day, I could at least say: "today, I took a drunk driver off the road and put a wife beater in jail." But now, my biggest accomplishment in any given day was getting through it without either of my kids getting seriously injured on the playground. And, if I failed at even that pathetic goal, then my sense of accomplishment would plummet even lower, leaving me feeling like a utter and complete failure in life. I couldn't even keep my kid from falling off the play structure?! What kind of loser was I?!
In essence, Motherhood was the one thing I had done in my life up til then that I wasn't just naturally good at, and it crushed me. I struggled every day to figure out how to "do it right" and was exasperated with myself when I didn't have the right answer, right solution or perfect response to any given scenario. I hated myself when I would lose my patience, or worse, lose my temper. I kept berating myself for "just not being any good at this." Of course, I can look back now and realize that I was being WAY too hard on myself and was lucky to even be functioning on the lack of sleep and lack of breaks I was getting back then. Plus, I have two very strong willed, high energy, intense kids. Pretty much a recipe for disaster considering they get those traits from me.... :)
The bottom line is that very soon after Ellie was born I realized that I was losing ME. I was losing my sense of self. I was becoming one dimensional. The multi faceted, interesting and complex being that was me was morphing into a feeding and cleaning machine and I was really not all that fond of my life. I was grateful,mind you, with how lucky I was to be home with my kids (despite the financial hardship), how lucky I was to have my health and have vibrant, healthy children. All of that immense gratitude was still there. And yet, I was not feeling FULFILLED. I was a mom and nothing else. I fulfilled one role and one role only: mother. I wasn't even concerned about being a wife anymore. I was just trying to get through the day and attend to the many, many needs of my two babies and that was it. The main cause of my despair was that I was not used to being so disconnected from myself. It made me grumpy and resentful. And, at the time, I could not make the connection between not having ANY me time to why I was feeling so burned out and unsatisfied with my life. It took me realizing that I had been running on empty for months on end and that it's really not healthy (or recommended) to do that. It took me understanding that unless I fill my own tank, I'm no good to anyone else. I mean, I had always intellectually UNDERSTOOD that theory, but I wasn't actually willing to DO anything about it. And it's a really good thing I finally had that pivotal ah-ha moment one day when I woke up and realized that I just did not want to face the day, I wanted to crawl back under the covers and pretend that my life was just a dream and wake up back in my carefree, single days and pretend like there weren't two kids actively screaming for me at the same time....
At first it was really hard for me to do anything for myself. In fact, initially, I felt such tremendous guilt that it was nearly paralyzing. I felt guilty for taking so much as three seconds to close the door and go pee in peace. You see, Ellie had developed this habit of wanting to be attached to me 24/7 and that meant even sitting on my lap when I was going to the bathroom, I kid you not. So, even just taking the time to go to the bathroom alone was enough to induce massive guilt. It was clearly time for a change.
And that's precisely when I decided to launch my photography business. I HAD to do something for me, just for me, that had nothing to do with anyone else's needs but my own. And I had to learn to do it GUILT free. I had been a photography hobbiest for years and wanted to seriously explore this activity further. I knew, being as goal oriented and perfectionistic as I am, that if I just went ahead and launched a business that I would be forced to take it seriously and MAKE myself follow through with this plan of self care. It was the only way to ensure that I would follow through with my goals and not just let them slide along the wayside, swallowed up by all my other obligations and never ending to do lists.
And so, right then and there, I said to myself: "You're a photographer now. Go do something about it." I went and filed a fictitious business name with the City of Santa Cruz that very day and made it official. There would be no turning back. I have never been one to slowly get into the water. Just jump in already. Don't look back. Don't slowly and painfully ease in. Just do it. And so I did. And from that very day, everything changed. My outlook changed, my energy changed, my perspective changed and, most importantly, my attitude changed. I re-discovered myself, Pascale, the person, the woman, the human being. Not JUST the mom. Not just the chauffeur, maid, cook, housecleaner and go-to gal for EVERYTHING. I should make it clear that it was not that I didn't have a great sense of pride and self worth from being a mom. It goes without saying that being a mom is, without a shadow of doubt, the single most important job in the world. I'm not going to give lip service to a non negotiable fact. But the sense of satisfaction from the job of "mom" is not always very tangible. You don't have a boss to say "good work!", or a co-worker to say: "great job on that case", or a bad guy in jail as proof of your contribution to this planet. Your boss is now little pint sized dictator(s) who rarely thanks you for setting consistent limits and following through with discipline and natural consequences. Instead, most likely, your new little boss is telling you just what he/she thinks about your role as the "safe person" by throwing tantrums, spilling juice all over your freshly mopped floor and accidentally dumping his/her fingerpaints on your couch. Not quite the same, you know? The rewards of parenting are long term. They are subtle. There is no instant gratification in it. You put in long hours, with no appreciation whatsoever. You experience ground hog day scenarios where the next day is the same as the last day, only maybe, perhaps, slightly better or slightly worse depending on just how many things went wrong.
But with photography, I suddenly had that instant gratification back. I had that ability to look at a photo I took and immediately get something out of it. I was able to be rewarded by it right then and there. I was able to see the joy and curiosity in my child's face. That was akin to an awakening of sorts. I was finally able to see and feel what had always been there but was clouded by my exhaustion or frustrations. I rediscovered the joy and delight that is to be found in the little things, the little moments. The more I delved into photography and was able to share that gift with others, the more rewards I reaped. And, bit by bit, little by little, my business grew. In ways that I had never imagine or predicted. What had started out merely as an outlet for me, became a way of life that I could probably, now, never live without. And the more time I took to study the art of photography and make time for it, the more I was able to get back in touch with myself. My sense of self slowly returned but with a changed identity. I was more complete than I had ever been. I was more grateful than I had ever been. And I was more fulfilled than I could have ever imagined.
Juggling motherhood and a nearly full time job and all of my other obligations will always be challenging. It is for all of us moms. We are all out there doing our best (no matter how much we work or how many kids we have) striving for that elusive balance. Trying to meet everyone's needs and fulfill all of our obligations. And as such, we frequently overlook ourselves and our own needs/desires. It is easy to let ourselves be eclipsed by the much greater needs of our children. It is only natural that that would happen. But I would suggest that mothers, more than anyone, should make the extra effort to find something that brings them joy and fulfillment, something separate from their roles as mothers. Yes, of course, your children will always be your priority. And your roles as mothers/wives/employees will always take center stage...but, I think it is imperative to find something in your life, no matter how small, that is yours and yours alone. To make time for it. To make time for you. GUILT FREE. That guilt thing is hard to shed. I speak from experience. For me to indulge in my beloved hobby guilt free I had to turn it into a business so that my practical and analytical side could justify me engaging in it!
Ultimately, my little hobby turned into a business that has now become successful beyond my wildest dreams. But more than that, it gave me an even greater gift , it gave me back my sense of self. And for that, I will be forever grateful.
Over the years, I've become more comfortable with finding "me" time. The guilt slowly but surely dissipates with every passing year. I now have several hobbies I engage in guilt free. I am a much happier, balanced, and secure person because of this. My children will always be #1. But that doesn't mean that I cease to exist in any realm that does not pertain to them. I know many new moms struggle with this. It's so easy to get caught up in the daily grind. And, on the flip side, it's so hard to find the support and ability to create that window of time for yourself. Those two factors combined results in many new moms becoming depleted and conflicted about their lives. If I can offer any suggestion, it would be to start small. Take 10 mn every day just for you. TEN minutes. And then work your way up from there. And there's nothing wrong with daydreaming and visualizing all the wonderful things you are going to do with all your free time when the kids move out. Because, you know what? Before you know it, that day will come. In the meantime, I want to make the most of this time with my kids without losing myself in the process. :)
