My boy turned 7 today. I am not usually overly sentimental about birthdays. I find them to be joyous occasions and tend to revel in all the celebrating et al but this one is hitting me hard for some reason. I woke up all weepy and as he bounded in my room (AT SIX AM NO LESS TO REMIND ME THAT HE IS NOW 7 THANK YOU VERY MUCH) and snuggled up and kept saying: "I'm seven mom! Really! I'm SEVEN! Can you believe it!?" I had to concentrate hard on not letting my emotions take over and start bawling all over him.
I can't explain the feeling other than just to say that it truly feels as though we are ending a specific chapter in his life and starting a new one. He's obviously been through a variety of stages and every birthday has held great meaning in it but there's something deeply moving about this one that I just can't explain. It is so bittersweet to watch your children grow up and gain increasing independence. To watch them start to spread their wings, to guide them as they venture forth and become more and more THEM and less and less YOUR influence on them. To witness that transformation first hand. To feel your heart break into a million pieces as they need you less and less and less. And yet to have your heart swell with pride as they begin to accomplish so much on their own. Is there nothing more painful as a mother than to push your baby bird out of the nest and HOPE AND PRAY that he/she will soar away, safely AWAY from you? I know he's only 7 but the separation that I am sensing all of a sudden from what has traditionally been a ridiculously tight bond is killing me. My whole family jokes about how I never cut the umbilical cord with Gavin. How he and I are still tightly bound and attached by a metaphorical cord because we are so undeniably deeply connected to each other. And yet, I feel like that is now ending in a sense and going into a new direction/avenue. Where he used to never dare to do anything without me right by his side, he is now seeking new opportunities to try things WITHOUT my help, my presence, my encouragement.
In all honesty, the whole thing is just totally bittersweet and I just don't know why this birthday feels so incredibly monumental, but it just does.
It could have something to do with his first wiggly tooth finally looking like it might come out any day (He was the only kid in both his Kindergarten and First grade classes NOT to lose a single tooth during both school years!!). It could have something to do with how unbelievably tall he has gotten this year, well above most kids his age. He suddenly seems so non-little-kiddish to me.
It could have something to do with the fact that he will be entering the SECOND grade this fall.
It could have something to do with how mature he seems and the solid, deep, meaningful questions he asks me. It could be because his understanding of such intense and complicated concepts has reached a whole new level. His reasonable, pragmatic, compassionate approach to life never ceases to amaze me.
I don't know what it is really. I just know that this day, today, was a big deal and I'm still trying to pull myself together. He had a wonderful birthday surrounded by friends and family, doing all the fun things he loves to do. Eating his favorite foods. Opening the presents that he had hoped and dreamed about. And having his mommy totally invested in him and his day. Which means, yes, I left the camera at home. I have absolutely ZERO photographic documentation of today. NOTHING. Not even a picture of him blowing out the candles. He *may* look back on this year, this blatantly empty spot in his photo album, the only birthday that passed without a single image taken and wonder why, wonder what happened, OR perhaps, just maybe, he'll remember it as the birthday when mom came in the rented pool and actually played with him, cuddled him as he ate, hung out with him and ENJOYED the day along WITH him. I'm hoping it's the latter. :)
The only two pictures I will post is first one I took of him earlier this week. A grab shot I took to test my new replacement lens that Canon sent me to see if it was working properly. My old 24-70mm f2.8 lens had been in the Canon repair shop SIX times in one year and they finally agreed to replace it for free. I tested the new lens on Gavin real quick before heading out to a shoot to make sure it was was working properly and this is the shot I got. He is giving me the "ok MOM, but make it quick" look. Still, he's beautiful and I love him and his eyes blow me away and I just could stare at that kid all day long. Yes, he's a mama's boy and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. He always has been and always will be. I adore him with every fiber of my being.
The second picture is one I took last night after spending 2+ hours baking, icing and decorating 40 cupcakes for him. He wanted almond poppy seed cupcakes with both vanilla and chocolate frosting and M&M's on top. I made the M&M's spell out the number 7. :)
Happy 7th Birthday luvbug. Thank you for still WANTING to hold my hand when we cross the street and for always enthusiastically cuddling me every night and never being embarrassed (yet!) by all my bear hugging and slobbery kisses when I drop you off at school and for always thanking me for everything I do for you and for being such an awesome, affectionate, sweet, thoughtful, considerate, compassionate, loving, generous, wonderful little soul. I am so proud of you. It's an honor being your mommy. :)
