Ah, yes, this ever elusive thing called TIME. The past several years I have felt as though TIME was my enemy. Never enough of it to go around. Never enough for any given aspect of my life. Never sure how to divvy it up amongst all my many obligations. Such a precious commodity, really. As busy moms we can all relate to the concept of time, and lack thereof. There really never seems to be enough of it, and certainly never enough for US! My time always seems to be swallowed up whole between work, kids, house, errands, activities, chores and then, when possible, time for myself or with my friends. There's certainly never enough time in the day to get everything done I want to get done or enough time to allow me a full night's rest. And so, after nearly 8 years of getting absolutely no sleep and running around in a futile attempt to "catch up" with time, I started to feel like time was out to get me, so to speak. It wasn't until the kids both started going to school every day this fall that I suddenly had precious little pockets of time to BREATHE (or should I say actually stop and catch my breath) that I started to see time more as friend than foe.
Time has now become a valued and treasured commodity, rather than a race. I appreciate it. I cherish it. I respect and honor it. How I choose to divvy up my time and maximize it has become a testament to my priorities and my choices in how I want to live my life. I work WITH time now rather than against it.
There still isn't enough of it in any given day and yet, I don't go to bed all stressed out about what I wasn't able to accomplish and instead look at what I DID accomplish. I've come to accept that I am, in fact, only human, and ergo can only do so much in one day rather than trying to be this perpetual machine of productivity. This new approach materializes itself in me by being committed to working out every single morning during the week without fail as I finally honor MY time for myself for the first time since becoming a mom. This new way of thinking exhibits itself by me putting aside my work in the afternoon to hang out with the kids in the backyard or work on an art project with them and ENJOYING them rather than cramming in as much work as possible while sending them off to do something on their own, with me "around" but not actively present. And if this means I am up til 3am later working because of it, that's ok, I happily OWN that because it meant I got quality time with my kids and the lack of guilt from that more than makes up for the lack of sleep.
We really have no idea how much time we are going to be given in this life and EVERY moment should count. Whether we are doing something huge or something small is of no matter, as long as it is time that is really LIVED and appreciated for what it is. I feel like this transformation within me of accepting life's time constraints and not fighting it anymore has been huge for my sanity and my happiness. I don't feel nearly as much guilt about everything or resentment for the lack of me time because I am finally able to get that ME time now. And it feels oh-so-good. I can fill my tank finally. And instead of running on empty ALL THE TIME, I am only running on empty for short periods of time until I can refill my tank again, which I know will be soon because I have now scheduled those "refilling" sessions into my life. I can count on them. And that brings me great peace.
So, this little soliloquy of mine is all a prelude to announce: I got my fourth tattoo yesterday and it's based on this concept of time. It honors this stage in my life where I feel I have finally gotten to a point where I can really appreciate time rather than just living life going through the motions. I appreciate everything so much more and feel so enriched by having this constant sense of perspective and appreciation that helps sustain me through the rough days/moments.
What I love most about all my tattoos is that each one represents a stage in my life. It's almost like my body is a canvas and the tattoos on it tell the story of my life. The one I got last year for my birthday was a flying robin (bird) on my back carrying two strings in its claws, each string was designed to spell out my children's initials. The concept of the bird was two-fold. One was to represent the "nesting instinct" that the birth of my children created in me (something that was definitely never there before) and the other was to honor the idea of freedom. The freedom to be the kind of mom I choose to be and to follow my powerful mommy instincts at all times.
The tattoo I got yesterday is three "stacked" vintage pocket watches in "black and grey". Each pocket watch is set to the respective time each of my children were born and the middle one is set to the time I was born. There is obviously the theme of time being represented in the idea of the pocket watches but beyond that the birth time concept is huge for me. There is the time I was actually born, and then there is the time I was "born" as a mother. Becoming a mom changed me in so many immeasurable ways and the birth of my kids definitely represented a sort of re-birth for me too. They are, and always will be, the best thing that ever happened to me.
I promised all my friends I would post a picture of the tattoo. It took two painful hours to get done (much more painful than my other ones, even my large one on my back) due to the sensitive nerve endings in that area. It's still very raw and red (the parts that are showing up red are actually going to settled down and be a very light grey in a few days). So here it is (it's really hard to get a self portrait by the way....):
The top watch is Ellie's at 1:12am
Then mine at 3:30pm
Then Gavin's at 4:10pm
The kids love looking at "their" watch. My tattoo artist (who did the last two of my four tattoos) did an amazing job of making each vintage pocket watch unique and yet have them all close and connected, distinct and yet intertwined. I love it.
and a closer up view