pascale wowak photoblog

Love Letters

Just before Valentine's Day, my dear friend Kathy Besser (author of the lovely parenting book Dirt & Sunshine) posted a link on her Facebook about a mom who was going to write love letters to her kids for Valentine's.  I adored the idea and sat down that night to compose my own little love letters to my kids.  I ended up writing them each a love letter that was several pages long.  I penned at length about every little thing I just love about them, from how Gavin gets completely lost in his books for hours on end and is always looking out for the underdog to how Ellie is constantly singing or humming throughout the day and how gifted an artist she is.  I spoke of every little quirk, habit, strength, skill, trait and/or gift that they possessed which I had quietly observed and noted over the years.  It all came rushing into my head and my heart as I wrote and I wrote and then I wrote some more.

The kids love letters were unceremoniously waiting for them at the breakfast table the next morning, with little fanfare as I made no mention of them and went about my business in what is usually the most chaotic and hectic time of the day.  Yet, despite the lack of focus on the letters, their eyes lit up as they sat, quietly and in complete stillness, without bickering... for ONCE, and each read their respective letters.  Without having to say a word, I could immediately tell the impact those letters were having on them.  My goal of letting them know how special they were to me, and to the world at large, as individual beings with their own special and unique talents and traits, was accomplished.   I felt good about helping THEM feel good about themselves.  I could tell they appreciated knowing that I really KNEW them.  That I SAW them for who they really are, underneath the layers of annoying bickering and hormonal back talk that we've been dealing with lately.  That I recognized in them everything that makes them who they are.  I could tangibly see the effects my written words were having on them.  And it helped me feel minutely better about the fact that the night before we had had a really rough night where my spoken words were not quite so kind or sweet or gentle or supportive.  

I worry endlessly that I am doing this ALL WRONG.  Being a mom, in an of itself, is hard.  Being a working mom adds another level of complexity to the task.  Being a single working mom is a whole other level of functioning.  Or NOT functioning, depending on the moment.   Not a day goes by that I don't lose my temper from the exhaustion of trying to juggle three million things and attend to everyone's different needs and keep the fridge stocked, the laundry laundered, the house clean, the meals made, the dishes done, the work accomplished, the clients happy, the dog walked, the kids ALIVE.... Yeah.  Alive.  That's the most I seem to be able to strive for some days.  I just need to keep them alive.  It's my mantra.  And, so far, I've (thankfully!) managed to do that.  But not without tremendous guilt about how I'm not doing quite nearly as good a job of raising them as I had hoped for when I brought them into this world.  I had big dreams and aspirations when I had these kiddos 8 and 10 years ago.  We were going to do huge all consuming art projects every day (we do lots of art but it's not to the degree I intended), bake cookies just because (I can't even get my act together to bake cookies for school bake sales these days), play family games every night (if I can manage once a week I'm thrilled), NEVER let them watch TV or play electronics (Bwahahahahahahahahha), and never, ever, ever yell at them.  Sigh.  Not a day goes by that I don't end up yelling, or talking through very very very gritted teeth and a slightly homicidal look on my face.  

I know part of the incessant sibling bickering is the fact that they share a tiny room in a tiny house.  And part of it is because of huge life transitions they've had to face the past year and a half.  And part of it is just LIFE and that's what siblings do.  But, admittedly, it drives me completely batty and brings out the worst in me.  I don't manage it nearly as well as I should.  And I get frustrated that everything I am doing, how hard I am working, the sacrifices I am making, the constant efforts I am putting forth to do the best job possible of raising my kids is just all in vain when the result of all that hard work is two kids who bicker and fight and give me attitude.   It makes me question if they are even NOTICING everything I am working so hard for and doing FOR THEM.  Everything I am nearly killing myself to manage, FOR THEM.  I know they are just little kids and my expectations for how much they can actually understand and appreciate are not unreasonable.  I just wish for, perhaps, a smidge of gratitude for the multitude of sacrifies I make on a daily basis.  And when that doesn't happen and I get incessant whining and complaining and woe-is-me, it pretty much triggers some BIG personal buttons, to say the least.

But none of that was in my head when I was writing them their love letters.  I just spoke from my heart and let the sentences unravel in the most organic and raw way possible.  I let it all flow from a place of deep love and appreciation for my kids.  For everything that makes them unique.  I knew they'd benefit greatly from this little project.  What I didn't know is that I would too.  Because last night, when I picked the kids up from their dad's house after spending a few days with him, Ellie handed me a love note she had written to me while she was there.  A cut out heart with a message and drawing on the front.  A drawing that makes my heart melt EVERY time I look at it.  And words that make it perfectly clear that YES, they notice.  YES, they see me in the same way that I see them.  That they are also keen observers and although they may not always be capable of showing appreciation or gratitude, they have it inside of them.  And her written words in response to my written words were magical and meaningful in ways I cannot even adequately express yet.  I'm still absorbing them.  Letting them roll around in my head and make their way through my heart.  

So, all this to say, mamas out there wondering if your kids "get it", questioning if they even NOTICE all that you do for them.... proof.  They do.  

If you can't read her love note, here it is transcribed:

"YOU ARE THE BEST MOM!   Mom, I love you. for everything. I love the way we dance and sing together. I love the way that you have a good spirit, and how you make everything hapen (sic) for us.  I love the way that you fill are (sic) house full of art.  And you how really care for me.  I (heart) you.  Thank you for everything. I couldn't do it without you."

Never underestimate the power of the written word. And a little art. :)

Avery, Quinn & baby Morgan!

You all probably remember the super fun pregnancy shoot I did just a few weeks ago for this beloved family!  Well, baby Morgan just made her appearance into the world and she could not possibly have been welcomed into a more loving and happy family!  They are as lucky to have her as she is to have them!  Avery is being such an AMAZING oldest sister and little Quinn is adjusting to her new role as "no longer the baby" quite well!  Mom and Dad, as always, are handling all the adjustments and lack of sleep with grace and humor.  I just love them so much!   The shoot was very "fly by the seat of your pants" because it seemed every time we were  gearing up for a specific shot, something caused us to re-arrange, switch gears, change things up.  We just went with the flow.  As I was setting up the backdrop Quinn and Avery were playing on the cushions so I grabbed some cute shots even though I wasn't done setting things up.  Cuteness waits for no one. :)

Later, as we were trying to get a very specific hands shot that we get with every new addition, Quinn was insistant on being behind rather than in front, it led to some really cute shots and I was rewarded for not hampering the unfolding of the events.  I also want to remind other photographers that while you are focusing your attention on a certain shot (ie: here I was shooting dad & baby Morgan), I always keep an eye on what else is going on behind or around me, and was able to capture a great shot of Avery.  Don't get locked into tunnel vision.  Keep observing all around you!  

Newborn shoots are notoriously challenging with siblings involved but this shoot was fun and everyone was working so well together.  Carly and Kevin, after three times of doing this together, I think we are just a well oiled machine at this point!!!  Love you all SO MUCH!  CONGRATULATIONS!!!!  *smooches*

ENJOY your sneak peek!  Just a few favorites, plenty more to come... :)

Anna & Alex

While staying up in Seattle this past weekend, I got to spend lots of quality time with my dear friend Amy.  Amy is one of those remarkable women who is just a "steady as she goes" kind of person.  On the one side, she is a solid, dependable, reliable, level headed and straight-forward gal.  One the other side she is incredibly funny, playful, creative, artistic, fun loving, and an absolute joy to be around.  Amy is a pragmatic straight shooter which is something I absolutely love and admire about her.  She's also the most generous, kind, compassionate and thoughtful person you will ever meet.  A devoted mother who is practically single handedly raising her two beautiful daughters while her fabulous husband is gone 6 months at a time on tours in Afghanistan.  This gal does it all and she does it well.

 Amy has been a rock for me over the past 2 years offering emotional and tangible support as I navigated a most challenging transition in my life.  I could always turn to her and know she would give me well thought out and practical advice.  When I was planning this trip I was super excited that I would be able to get images of her and her daughters to send to her husband and put on her walls.  Little did we know that her husband was planning a surprise trip and showed up just a little over a week ago for his 3 week stint back home. The timing could not possibly have been better!  I was able to capture images of all FOUR of them together, a very very very special moment in time for them.  The day was dark and gloomy but the mood was not, and everyone had glowing smiles!  You'll see that Amy has a thousand-watt smile that could light the universe!  Her girls, Anna & Alex, are two of the cutest, sweetest little bugs on the planet and I just completely fell in love with them.  I so enjoyed watching the special relationship they have with their dad even though they don't get to see him as often, it's clear how near and dear he is to their hearts.

 We did most of the shoot indoors at their home because it was just so cold and dreary outside but did venture out for a few minutes around their neighborhood before realizing that the girls were not feeling the outdoors.  By then, two hours in, they were done with the shoot but we still managed to grab some family shots on the couch.  I had to do some creative lighting techniques because there wasn't enough ambient light and using flash would have cast shadows on the wall behind them due to the proximity so I played around with a technique I developed a while back.  It worked well enough!   I'll be coming back up to the area in April for another shoot with another friend who lives up there and I am so excited to capture her family too!

 After our shoot we drove into Seattle to help Jayme get all set up for her fashion show and then had a rocking time there.  The next day Amy & James showed me and my James around Seattle for the speedy gonzalez tour in the 3 hours we had before needing to head to the airport!  It was just a truly amazing and wonderful weekend!!!  Amy & James, thank you for being such amazing hosts! I hope you  love your sneak peek!  Your girls were beyond adorable!  Love you and your family so very very very much!!! xoxoxoxoxoxox

Seattle Edition!

I was able to go on a whirlwind 36 hr trip up to Seattle to show my support for my dear friend Jayme (the brilliant designer behind Lillipops) as she launched her new womenswear line of clothes called Bittersweet.  She was debuting the line at the big RAW SEATTLE show as a featured designer amongst several other artists.  Seattle brings together and hand selects a few cutting edge, up and coming artists (including designers, photographers, stylists, hair & makeup folks etc...) and gives them this venue as an opportunity to share and showcase their art.  The venue was amazing and the event was a BLAST!  I had the added joy of being able to show my support for her not only by being there to cheer her on and help her set up her booth but also by being one of her 4 models to walk the runway in one of her new designs!  It was SO MUCH FUN!  I was, by far, the oldest "model" there and having never done anything like this before I can't say I wasn't a wee bit nervous just before walking down that runway but I was surrounded by three other lovely women for Jayme's line, two of them moms just like me who had never done anything like this either.  We all had a blast and it was a really fun, intimate way to be able to show my love and support for Jayme.  I'm telling you folks, the girl has MAD SKILLS and is going to go FAR in the designer world as she segues into this new arena.  Some of you may know her as the gal who designs nearly all of Ellie's most gorgeous outfits.  Ellie has been modeling her kid designs for years.  Ellie loves her stuff so much and now I can unequivocally state how much I love her womenswear as well!  Her four looks were incredibly stylish, comfortable, wearable, but also edgy and cool and cut in such a way as to look great on every woman's body.  She is just SO good at what she does!!!

There were two other extra bonuses to this whirlwind trip to Seattle as well.  One is that my sweet & sexy guy was able to come with me, which was just beyond delightful and fun.  The other is that I was able to stay with my super cool, awesome, fantastic friend Amy and her wonderful family.  I will tell you all more about Amy in my next post when I share the images I took of her and her beautiful family Saturday morning before we headed into the city for the big event and then we stayed out partying until well past midnight, which, hello, I'm a 40 yr old single working mom, that's not a usual Saturday night for me folks!  Yes, Saturday was a LONG (BUT SUPER FUN!) day!!! SO, more about Amy tomorrow since I am still working on those images but for now I just wanted to share a few iphone pics from the 3 hrs we were able to spend sightseeing in Seattle on Sunday before flying home!  We packed as much into those three hours as possible and it really helped having Amy and her husband James as our tour guides!  They were so much fun to hang out with! LOVE THEM!!!

I really like Seattle a lot.  It's definitely a place I want to come back to.  I have some wonderful friends who live here (hi Jayme, Amy, Lija and Judi!) including some new friends I made on this trip (Julianne, Elise and Genesis!) and I'd love to come back up.  

Here's a handful of iphone pics I snapped and then a birds eye view video of Jayme's portion of the fashion show taken on a point and shoot by my man.  It's rough footage but you can see a bit of the outfits!  Jayme has a better video that Lija took so I will try to get that uploaded if I get permission to use it!  In the meantime, ENJOY the images and video!!!  

Side note: there is a Starbucks (if not TWO) on EVERY SINGLE BLOCK in downtown Seattle.  It's INSANE!!!  This is the ORIGINAL one photographed above.

 Amy took this picture of us and I converted it to a grainy B&W, which I love!  It's one of the ONLY shots we have of each other together and I just love it! Thank you, Amy!

 

RAW SEATTLE BITTER SWEET from pascale wowak on Vimeo.